Making Time To Think

Prologue

Summer has come and gone, and the third year of my PhD has begun, which makes me think I should know what I’m doing by now, but I don’t.

Most of my friends were gone during the summer. Fortunately, I committed to a lot of projects, so I didn’t really mind their absence. In fact, I kind of got used to it? Now that they’ve returned, I’m gradually emerging from hermit mode, but it’s funny how quickly I got used to it, how quickly I got used to isolation. Perhaps it’s because my research is so collaborative and my days are filled with meetings, I felt adequately socialized, but I recognize the need for “just cause” friends — friends with whom I interact with no productive goal in mind.

Two weeks ago, there was this blog post by Eytan Adar trending on Twitter, titled AI-Native PhD Students, and it provoked a mini existential crisis for me. You see, I study how human behavior is affected by everyday interaction with AI. I study how we “drift” from one use case to another and how the boundaries between tool and something deeper. “Research is me-search” after all, so I am aware that I experience the very phenomena I study. I think it’s very important to be humble and to recognize that I am not immune to the effects of prolonged AI use. There is an addictiveness to its speed, ability, and the illusion of productivity, but with that comes a fatigue to maintain human oversight over output that simply exceeds my capacity to monitor. I’ve noticed how the busier I am, the more AI I use, which is probably indicative of the amount of work that is offloaded to AI and therefore makes me question the quality of work that I am outputting.

While I do not think stopping use altogether would solve my problems, I have been re-assessing what it means to use AI as a complement to my abilities. In the past two weeks, I have dropped two projects to free up my bandwidth. I really enjoy marinating on my own thoughts, but to have that time, I’ve realized I need to purposely make time to think, which is also why I have forced myself to sit down and write these swirling thoughts out into a somewhat unpolished blog. On an internet of content that is becoming increasingly polished and AI-sloppy, I am inclined to write in a way that is so messy and human that maybe I am the only one who can follow the logic, but maybe that’s ok. I don’t mind writing for an audience of one.

A reflection on the PhD and grounding myself before the start of year 3

What kind of work I want to do:

I do not wish to clout chase or pursue projects with a mindset to “do it before someone else does”. High quality research takes time. I am interested in pursuing novel insights and perspectives and to do so with rigorous and robust and maybe even novel methods.

In my current research studying the impact of AI on human behavior, I enjoy drawing parallels across narratives on previous technologies, and I hope the same can be done with my work to whatever is to come in the future.

I wish for my work to produce timeless findings, I.e. I want my work today to still be insightful 50 years later.

I want to do things I’m genuinely passionate about and enjoy. Luckily, this is quite a broad range of things. We are often so focused on the outcome but it’s the process that we spend the most time on, so I would like to make sure I enjoy that part. Otherwise, it doesn’t make sense for me to be spending my time on.

What I want to do for larger community/society

I do wish for my work to make a real-world impact — improving people’s lives, impacting policy, or impacting technology product design. That’s why I enjoy talking to policymakers and public writing and outreach.

And while I am guided by a set of moral and ethical values in all my research and life endeavors, so hopefully nothing I do will have a negative societal impact, I try not to think too far or too big because it becomes stressful.

Instead, I try to be guided by my own interests and passions and to focus on what impact I can make to my local community and bubble, which is why I engage in student advocacy and community outreach. This helps me more directly “practice what I preach”, and that gratification is much more immediate than any societal impact I can see or control, which is what keeps me motivated on a more regular basis.

Who I want to be to my social network/local connections

Mentors

At this stage of my life and education, being a student is still very much a part of my identity. I rely on a broad range of mentors for advice and knowledge and wisdom.

My undergraduate education was in computer science. I view my PhD as an opportunity to gain knowledge in fields that I am less knowledgeable about. I do very interdisciplinary research. While I do use search engines and AI to brainstorm ideas and query knowledge, I still prefer to directly interact with field experts as they offer independent, nuanced perspectives that I have not yet been able to find in my conversations with AI. Because of this, the PhD has involved a lot more socializing than I anticipated, to the dismay of my social anxiety. But meeting new people has been the most enjoyable part.

To my mentors and advisors, I wish to be a curious, dependable, hardworking student. I will get lost in the sauce at times but I hope they will be patient in helping me figure out how to think and ask good research questions and develop good taste.

I love a list of reading recommendations or literature. I also value constructive advice.

Mentees

I truly believe that good mentors make all the difference. A good mentor can foster a passion and a bad mentor can kill an interest.

My interests and where I am today have been shaped by the mentors I’ve had through my life and education, and I wish to do the same for others now. Although I am still growing and rely on mentors, I do think I am suited to be a mentor for younger students and offer my few cents of wisdom. I hope that I can be someone who offers good research guidance and career/life advice. I am always happy to talk about the emotional toll of research and academia, and I hope for my mentees to feel comfortable talking about it with me.

Peers and Collaborators

I hope to be a dependable and hardworking collaborator. I am always looking to improve, so I will happily take constructive feedback on how I can be a better collaborator or research leader.

What I want to get better at

• Having taste
• Asking good questions that are are clear and precise
• Leading and organizing projects
• Speaking and articulating my thoughts and ideas
• Knowing when to quit

I wish to be remembered as someone who is kind, hardworking, and passionate. I hope that people enjoy working with me. I hope that people enjoy being friends with me. I hope that people think of me as caring and funny.

Ok, that’s all for now.

Peace ✌︎︎

Meryl